out of the kitchen

Last week after a hot class, it took me several hours for the redness to leave my face and I ended up with the headache that I often get if I do rabbit pose.  I felt like I'd been beat up.
I talked to someone who is studying Ayurveda and they said, are you really supposed to be doing hot yoga if you have a pitta imbalance (more on that later).
It got me thinking that I should go back to a non heated practice for a while.
So Monday I went to a gentle yoga class and it was really lovely.
It felt much more kind and nurturing. It was really nice.
Screw the stickers.

again

My name is on one of those charts again.
Because I go more when there's a chart. I like stickers.
I'm dedicating this to Grace. Less judgement more acceptance.
Today was good, I pushed too much at the beginning and rested a lot.
Walked out and caught my breathe and got my wits about me.
Stayed a long time in the room at the end.

In that sweaty room is one of the few places I feel powerful.
I used to hate the mirrors. Distracting.
Today I saw that I am not as big as a house, like I sometimes feel.
I have definite borders and I fit within the rectangle of mat.
My legs and shoulders are strong.
I have symmetry.
My feet are smart, reactive balancing machines.

Everything that happens in there has a corresponding life metaphor. 

Breathe, stretch, balance, integrate, open, push a little, back off.

Sweat but don't panic.

When you feel like you might throw up or pass out, get some air.

It's ok, no one is keeping score.

Except you and those stickers.

Following Directions

Last week was all about following directions. I could go into a long rambling diatribe about how I've always hated following other people's directions, but I decided that was kind of boring. I will say that low and behold, when you check your opinions at the door and just open your mind to what someone who knows a lot more than you about whatever you are doing has to say it can blow up your entire world.

Lock the knee, lock the knee, lock the knee.

Did you know that if you actually lock the knee in standing bow pulling pose, it engages your quadriceps and makes a really strong base for whatever you are doing on top of that?
You then feel really solid and are able to focus on the opposing kick into your back hand and stretching with the front hand.

Sweet.

I also want to mention that I'm reading this fantastic book by Christiane Northrup called "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom."
I got it from my rolfer Brooke Takac, who has been such a great healer and teacher for me.
Anyway, in the book Dr. Northrup talks about the all important 1st and 2nd steps of all 12 step programs where you admit you are powerless over (fill in the blank) and decide that there is something out there, outside of your own head that can help you with that, and that you come to believe that whatever that thing is outside of you can actually help you.

Sometimes we only focus on that thing outside yourself being God.

Now in the big picture, I've definitely turned my will and life over to the God of my understanding, but what I'm realizing now is that in the micro things of life, you can do that too.
Like maybe, just maybe all the science behind weight watchers is just science and not out to personally make me miserable. Maybe for that part of my life, just for today, I can say, OK, what I've been doing isn't working out for me, maybe I can set my anorectic, bulimic, overeater BS aside and just follow directions. If it doesn't work out I can try something else tomorrow.
I can show up even though I have a million things that seem more urgent than going to the yoga studio and sweating for 90 minutes.

I can listen and follow directions.

Maximum Monkey Mind

It's been a weird week. I had a great class on Tuesday, and felt dare I say almost composed for much of the class, and them bam, the next day I couldn't hold it together for the life of me. I've been contemplating what the heck could have been different, how much if any I ate before etc.

The thing I've come up with is that on Wednesday I was running late and felt a little more...what's the word? Competitive or something. First, let me say believe it or not a lot of days it is very crowded in these hot yoga rooms and everyone has to squeeze in to make room for the people who come in later, until they have to turn people away.

So like I said, I was a little later than usual and I came in to find a spot. I found the biggest space between two mats and asked if I could squeeze in. This woman that I asked said no, she wouldn't move her mat and it well, sort of threw me off. I said no problem and moved on to another spot and had to pick up and move people's stuff who weren't in the room.

I was kinda pissed at that lady.

It sent me into a mind spin that went a little somethin' like this:

hmmmfff this is yoga lady, be nice.
I deserve to be in here, and there are more people behind me coming in so at some point you are gonna have to move anyway, why so mean?

harumph. I'll show you. I do deserve to be here. I'm getting good at this and I did really well yesterday.... you get the idea.

So then I proceeded to do every single asana with as Bikram says "maximum effort" and oh, brother, by the time we got to Tuladandasana I thought I was gonna pass out. But did I stop and rest? NO of course not I had to prove to myself that I was supposed to be there inhabiting my tiny crowded sweaty square footage. I swear to you I almost lost it and started to cry.
It was what Oprah might call a "lightbulb moment."
I was not being kind to myself or that mean lady, who probably isn't really mean at all. It was all in my head. What was in my head was literally making me nauseous and dizzy.
Talk about a metaphor.
And then that one was over.

The next day I had this great opportunity to be a guest on a TV show that I'd wanted to do for a long time and it went really well. I felt great, and I didn't want to mess it up by going back to the hot sweaty crazy room, so I took the day off.

Today was better.
I got there earlier and got a place, had my coconut water and put my hair up and sat on the mat and thought about how I was going to get through it with a little more grace and compassion.
I decided to start out slowly and not push myself, just think of the whole practice as a meditation and not even think about maximum effort, or anybody else in the room, especially the Olympic medalist in front of me.
I gave myself permission to do that another day if this didn't work out.

Guess which day was better?

Notice What you Notice

Here's what I notice:
I'm implementing a new program for work (InDesign) and just started my first project.
The transfer of files and the resulting missing links and fonts would normally send me into a frenzy. Today it didn't, I just kept at it and it all worked out....
and my clothes are more comfortable.

Tipping Point

Somewhere it went from
I think I should do this to
how am I ever going to do this
to
don't think just go
to
maybe I can do this
to
I didn't get to go today and I miss it
and I can't wait to get there tomorrow
all in a week.

Personal Revolution

I just decided on a whim to do a yoga challenge at my local hot yoga studio. It's called Personal Revolution and I'm doing it to celebrate some life changes I made about 5 years ago, and being all 45ish. I think I'll write about it.
Here's how the first week went:

Day 1
What the heck, if I sign up and don't finish, at least I'll have come more than I would've if I hadn't signed up, right?
Name on the big gridded poster in the lobby of the studio. It's January 3rd I'm already 3 days behind.
Hot Yoga class. I didn't throw up, and I didn't leave the room. Good enough. Gold Star.

Day 2
I had already mentioned to a friend who owns another studio in town that it would be great for Moms if she'd offer a 9:00 class. She facebooked me and said "Your 9:00 class is waiting"
So I go to the 9:00 class. It was great, just a couple of us on a cold back to schoolish day. The teacher was nurturing and supportive.

I wasn't sure if the class at the other studio would count, so I went to another hot yoga class around noon, thinking I'd better catch up. It was even better than the day before, felt a little stronger. Still dizzy & bloaty from the holidays.

I was feeling pretty proud of myself, and just a little guilty for spending so much time on this.
But I keep thinking of that oxygen mask in the airplane thing, how you have to put that on first if you are going to be useful to others around you.
This is my oxygen mask.

Truth be told, the bathroom scale was taunting me after Christmas and I'd reached the oh, shit weight. You know, the weight you never thought you'd ever see, and then you do. So let's be honest. I'm doing this to regain whatever shred of dignity I have left in the vanity department.
It's funny. Once I decided I was going to do this challenge I suddenly got a lot less shy about being the Big Girl in the room in a yoga class. That t-shirt came off and I'm all sports bra and bike shorts, because you know what? Its ^$%# HOT in that room and you sweat like... well I just heard this kid say "like a polar bear in pajamas." So I'm thinking if I keep coming, I won't be this bulgy forever, and who really cares how big my belly is today anyway. I'm not really looking at anyone Else's belly, so who cares who sees mine? That's another thing that's good about the hot room, you have to focus so completely on what you are doing that if you pay any attention at all to another person, you lose your balance and fall over.

I'll take that as lesson number one: Mind your own business and you'll be just fine.

And so the week continued until I'd done 7 classes in a week, holy cow! I hadn't done that many classes in a week since... well that's another story.