It's been a weird week. I had a great class on Tuesday, and felt dare I say almost composed for much of the class, and them bam, the next day I couldn't hold it together for the life of me. I've been contemplating what the heck could have been different, how much if any I ate before etc.
The thing I've come up with is that on Wednesday I was running late and felt a little more...what's the word? Competitive or something. First, let me say believe it or not a lot of days it is very crowded in these hot yoga rooms and everyone has to squeeze in to make room for the people who come in later, until they have to turn people away.
So like I said, I was a little later than usual and I came in to find a spot. I found the biggest space between two mats and asked if I could squeeze in. This woman that I asked said no, she wouldn't move her mat and it well, sort of threw me off. I said no problem and moved on to another spot and had to pick up and move people's stuff who weren't in the room.
I was kinda pissed at that lady.
It sent me into a mind spin that went a little somethin' like this:
hmmmfff this is yoga lady, be nice.
I deserve to be in here, and there are more people behind me coming in so at some point you are gonna have to move anyway, why so mean?
harumph. I'll show you. I do deserve to be here. I'm getting good at this and I did really well yesterday.... you get the idea.
So then I proceeded to do every single asana with as Bikram says "maximum effort" and oh, brother, by the time we got to Tuladandasana I thought I was gonna pass out. But did I stop and rest? NO of course not I had to prove to myself that I was supposed to be there inhabiting my tiny crowded sweaty square footage. I swear to you I almost lost it and started to cry.
It was what Oprah might call a "lightbulb moment."
I was not being kind to myself or that mean lady, who probably isn't really mean at all. It was all in my head. What was in my head was literally making me nauseous and dizzy.
Talk about a metaphor.
And then that one was over.
The next day I had this great opportunity to be a guest on a TV show that I'd wanted to do for a long time and it went really well. I felt great, and I didn't want to mess it up by going back to the hot sweaty crazy room, so I took the day off.
Today was better.
I got there earlier and got a place, had my coconut water and put my hair up and sat on the mat and thought about how I was going to get through it with a little more grace and compassion.
I decided to start out slowly and not push myself, just think of the whole practice as a meditation and not even think about maximum effort, or anybody else in the room, especially the Olympic medalist in front of me.
I gave myself permission to do that another day if this didn't work out.
Guess which day was better?
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